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Memoirs of a Single Girl

thoughts on my lack of romantic relationships

I have basically been single my entire life. I've never had a boyfriend last longer than a month, and one of them only lasted half an hour. Granted, that was in 7th grade, so it probably doesn't count at all.
I've spent the last few years really trying to understand why no one seems to like me enough to try and date me. I mean, yes, I'm picky, probably from having read too many trashy romance novels, but not so much that I wouldn't say yes to a guy who honestly asks me on a date. I'd say yes. Probably. If he seemed interesting. And attractive. And intelligent.
Ok, so I keep people at arms' length. As a general rule, I don't like to let people in, but I'm trying to change that. 
I was bullied in grade school, and yes, I know many people were, but usually bullies spread the love (or lack of it) among multiple victims. When I was in school, I seemed to be the only person in their vision, and the bully virus spread to everyone in the class. So, it was a bit extreme.
I was understandably damaged after that experience, and I'm finally (after 3 years of therapy and lots of help from God and an understanding group of friends) getting to the point where I don't cry when I talk about it. At least, I didn't this time.
I don't say this for sympathy or to start my own private pity-party. I have started to accept the woman all that pain turned me into. She is kind and hates to see anyone suffer. She helps people as much as she can.
I say this as an explanation for the walls that I've erected around my heart and my life.
The thing about living in an ivory tower is that you don't see what people are really like. You don't see their flaws from that distance and assume their lives are perfect.
I've assumed that people's relationships are perfect. I don't see the bumps they go through. I forget that people are still human, imperfect, flawed. I know that they are, intellectually, but actually seeing their imperfections and the way they love each other is harder to see in reality. 
I have a tendency to think that I'm the exception to some perfect plan. I became a Christian, a disciple of Jesus more than 4 years ago, and since then, I've had to deal with the idea that God is perfect. If God is perfect, then his plans are perfect. If his plans are perfect, and He is perfect, then he has a perfect plan for my life. 
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."   (Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV)
Now, I have a real interest in a guy at my church, and I'm hoping he might like me. At least a little. I'm hoping that he'll have enough interest to try and scale my walls. God is helping me to bring them down, but I know it's going to take a lot of work on my part. I don't want to get my heat broken, but I kinda expect it. I expect to be rejected.
I don't know how I would really survive if I manage to get into a relationship and then it all falls apart. 
I don't want to be single forever. My one desire my whole life is to be married and have children, but that involves other people. 
Other people scare me.
My church did this amazing sermon early this year, and it broke me down in ways I didn't understand or expect. If you watch it, below, you may understand why. I see every person as a potential tiger, even, or maybe especially those who purport to be my friends.
All that said, I have trust issues, but I'm learning. I'm learning to trust people to not hurt me intentionally, and I'm learning to forgive them when they do hurt me. I'm learning to not expect a stone when I'm being offered bread
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